16 March 2015

I Asked Myself This Question & the Answer Horrified Me

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spiritual ego

Revelations that feel rough as they rise.

Deep stirrings of invisibility that make themselves seen like oil on water.

Waves of discomfort and nausea that seem to only come in those moments where we feel a sense of embarrassment, or guilt, or shame...

Last month, I embarked on the first out of three immersive weeks of my Kundalini Yoga teacher training.

I won't try and capture that week in words just yet, and perhaps I never will, because they're sure to only fall short, and any attempt at wrapping the experience up in colourful vocabulary will dullen the way those days still sit in my heart.

When I studied and completed my Hatha Yoga training, I never had that biting urge to teach it; it never felt like an absolutely yes for me. It was a godsend to my personal practice and completely transformed the way I breathed, moved, and all-round generally approached yoga, but there was always a part of me who knew (or at least hoped) that it would stay that way – personal – which it has.

With Kundalini Yoga however, it has been very, very different. I ache to teach.

It'll truly be one of my greatest honours to share this form of yoga with the world, in whatever opportunities present themselves to me. To spread the teachings from a place of reverence and utmost respect for the lineage and the technology and the miracles that it brings.

But during that week last month, as we were wrapping up, I found myself do what so many do when they're about to leave their immersive experience and head back out into their real world. A deep sadness set in as I started second-guessing everything about my life.

I questioned whether certain aspects of my life where as important as I once thought they were. Certain relationships. Certain ways of being. Ways of communicating.

Mostly though, hogging this questioning bandwidth were my contemplations about my work:

"Am I satisfied with the way I'm serving in the world – and here's the really important part – despite what others may think or say about it...

Despite that there may be emails trickling into my inbox every day with some variation of 'Thank you' woven into them...

Despite the fact that those social media numbers continue to gracefully and gratefully climb..."

All of this curiosity culminated at what I'll refer to as the The Big Kahuna Question:

Do I want to be a teacher because I genuinely want the people I'm teaching to rise above me - to be more joyful, more successful, more at peace, than I am? Or, am I doing this to serve that part of me that just wants to be loved and adored and looked up to?

My friend, I did not like the answer that came to meet me in the face.

Embarrassment, guilt, shame. Hello.

And while it would seem that these unsavoury feelings and emotions could be warranted, or deserved, one of the key things that Kundalini Yoga is teaching me, is not to making anything wrong or bad.

Answers to questions like The Big Kahuna give us the very sacred opportunity to look closely at our shadow, to accept it, and then to elevate it through our thoughts, words and actions.

If I can identify that my Spiritual Ego has been running my show (consciously or unconsciously), finally, I get an opportunity to ask myself:

Is this acceptable? Is this the way I want to be living my life and sharing my message?

No, it's not acceptable.

Could it be possible that I in fact may want each and every person I reach and serve to a live a life that is more beautiful, bountiful and blissful than my own?

If I get really still, and breathe in what that might feel like, and imagine myself on my deathbed having had that as my WHY for life...

Yes, actually.

That feels really complete for me.

So, to anyone that reads my stuff,

or reaches out to me,

or takes my workshops.

For my clients both past, present and future,

and to every soul who will sit in front of me as I share the teachings of Kundalini Yoga,

know this:

I am not interested in being special in your eyes, or putting myself on a pedestal.

I want you to experience deeper fulfillment than I could ever imagine possible for myself.

I pray for your body and your wellness and vitality to far exceed the health of mine.

I am not concerned whether you love me or not, only whether I can help you or not.

Listen and take on board the words I say that resonate with you, but don't make the mistake of looking up to me.

Go forth and eclipse me.

Finally, I'm going to draw on a little extra strength from our angel Jess Ainscough, and finish with:

I'm not here to be liked. I'm not here to popular. I'm here to speak my truth.

May we continue collectively to unhook from each other and carry ourselves gracefully, without the need to be approved of or admired.

Sat Nam.

kundalini sadhana And on that note, please join me this Thursday March 19 as I lead the community sadhana at Centre For Life in Burleigh Heads (by donation). This will be my first time sitting in front of a class, and your presence will act as tremendous support as I begin this transition from student to teacher. It'll be wonderful to see some new faces to share these teachings with.

Centre For Life

1/8 Freemantle St

Burleigh Heads, Q 4220

Time: 4:30am - 7:00am (Please try and arrive at about 4:20am)

I'll be leading you through the Aquarian Age Sadhana, which includes:

Japji (Soul of the Soul): Approx. 25 minutes. You're welcome to read aloud with the words (which will be handed out), or you can simply meditate on the sounds.

Kundalini Kriya (this is where we move our bodies and use specific breath and mudras): Approx 1 hour.

Aquarian Age Mantras: Approx. 1 hour. Again, chant along with the help of the hand-out, or simply meditate on the sounds.

Please bring: A small monetary donation, a water bottle, perhaps a light cardigan or shawl, and an open mind.

Ensure that your phone is left in your car or switched onto airplane mode so we don't have any distractions.  :)

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    • 16 March 2015

      Dearest Tara, this is why I love and adore you and am honoured to be your friend and spiritual mentor. You are a shining light to this world. Keep shooting for the starts....Bless you, sweetheart.

      • 16 March 2015

        You've always 'seen' me. I'm so grateful for you xo

    • Penny
      16 March 2015

      As always, spot on timing. I needed this. You are humble and incredible. It's my complete honour to stand next next to you, even if it it online, through reading your beautiful posts. Keep bringing it back to your truth, the world needs 'your real.' xx

    • Melina
      17 March 2015

      Tara I love this…such beautiful grace in words ….humility is where it is at and such a beautiful grace to behold xxoo

    • 17 March 2015

      This past Friday I met up with some of the BE&BH girls to go to a Mastin Kipp (whom I first found through you) workshop in London. Needless to say it was awesome, and Mastin also spoke about the realisation that his spiritual ego was running the show for a long time. Clearly just another opportunity to let Grace enter.
      As always, I love that you share your humanness and realness so openly. Big love xxx

    • Kirsty
      17 March 2015

      Such a beautiful message and honesty rarely found x thank you for the teachings and being a mirror to reflect back what we always had waiting to be found. Kundalini intro workshop in Noosa one day ??? Xxx

    • 17 March 2015

      Your growth, your words, your grace. All shining examples of why you were born to do this work - to share, to teach and to serve.
      Thank you darling. Nothing but love. xx

    • 17 March 2015

      Ah my darling- what an absolute gem you are. You are wise beyond your years and, as someone who's been a classroom teacher for a while now, you are an exemplary teacher. I've often brushed up against these feelings myself and know exactly what you're describing.

      It's such a shame I'm not closer to Burleigh- would absolutely love to experience one of your classes.

      Thank you beautiful.

      Sat Nam, xxx

    • 17 March 2015

      So much love for you and this post. X x

    • 17 March 2015

      Beautiful sister, this is truth uncensored. I love it and am grateful for your potent sharing as always.
      Star xxxxx

    • 17 March 2015

      Oh how this hit me on a whole new level.
      "I am not concerned whether you love me or not, only whether I can help you or not."

      I am not there yet, but know this is my destination. And as always, my beautiful friend and teacher, you will lead me there.
      Thank you.

    • Phoebe Hook
      17 March 2015

      Sweetheart, you're not giving your potential enough credit, the law of Divine Compensation won't allow you to go without. x

      • 18 March 2015

        Oh babe it's got nothing to do with me going without or being in lack. None whatsoever.

        It's just about me not making myself special xo

    • Katherine
      18 March 2015

      Beautiful, Tara. I always appreciate the raw honesty of your posts, so eloquently put together. Thanks for sharing x

    • 18 March 2015

      This is simply beautiful. I'd say that Kundalini is absolutely rising! I can't wait to begin (as a student) when I return to Mexico. I have only had brief experience with it, but I too, have never felt that way in a hatha yoga class. Your class sounds magical. Sat Nam, sister.

    • Ashlee
      18 March 2015

      Thank you Tara xo

    • Sheri
      18 March 2015

      Hi Tara, if you are able to share some of your teachings online too I would love to learn. I've done Hatha only & have really enjoyed the bits you've shared on here with breathing etc xx

    • Kat
      21 March 2015

      Isn't the ego a really interesting thing! I really loved your honesty in this blog post. In this crazy world we live in where others thoughts of us are shaped by what they see via Social Media, self worth is measured by how many likes a page gets ... to be able to be conscious enough to reflect on the gifts the ego brings to us is SUCH A GIFT.

      How cool was the polarity in that! How interesting to hear the little girl voice saying 'look at me, love me, adore me' which is what happens by default any way when you help people help themselves anyway, they still, by default end up loving and adoring you :) I think not having the agenda is the key and you figured that out :)

    • Alli
      21 March 2015

      Hi Tara,
      Love that you have commenced your kundalini teacher training!
      I am hoping to do my KTT this year also <3
      I am however also interested in doing a hatha yoga teacher training as I would like to extend my knowledge/skills on the classic asanas.
      I see that my health yoga offers an online course. Did you enjoy training with them?
      And is there much over lap or contradiction in the studies of the two different styles?
      Thanks for any comments you can share
      Sat Nam x

    • Alex @ True Femme
      29 March 2015

      Oh girl, this post. I think it takes so much strength and courage to admit these things. Thank you for your honesty and your commitment to serving the world. It's something I ask myself too and I still think that being committed to serving your tribe is far more powerful than being the most liked blogger or the one with the most Facebook fans. It's about being authentic and true to ourselves and stories, knowing that the right people will come into our lives when we put that out there. Thank you for being such a light <3 Sat nam.

    • michele
      18 June 2015

      Beautiful:) Sat Nam.

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