23 October 2016

My Meditating Husband

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Glen has started meditating.

When he announced his desire for a morning meditation routine, it was music to my ears.

And as we sit there perched up in bed with Layla between us, sometimes I crack my eyes open to see him sitting so sweetly, focusing on his breath, his thumbs and index fingers in the most precious of mudras in his lap... it's an absolute sight for sore eyes.

I've been so moved by his decision to do this, mostly because it had nothing to do with me.

Years ago when I was working on my Party Girls project, which quickly morphed into my book High, the community that I had gathered around my message were often asking questions such as:

'How do I convince my partner to meditate?'

'I feel like I'm growing so quickly, but my partner isn't... what should I do?'

And, my (least) favourite: 'My partner isn't spiritual. Should I stay with him?'

In other words - 'How can I change him from being inadequate, to being 'enough' for me?'

These conversations always left a sour taste in my mouth, because even though the same questions often kept me up at night, I had a hunch of something and it sounded like this:

Our challenge here is not to place expectations upon our lovers to change, to be different than what they are, or become clones of us. There is nothing spiritual about that in the slightest. If you bring your spiritual ego into the realm of relationship, it'll destroy your love more quickly than his sleeping in and cold beer ever could.

I believe it was Pat Smith who once said: 'Boys are physiologically designed to lose their erection around their mothers.' That's a pretty shocking way to say: Stop fucking telling your husband who to be, and how to live. It makes him limp.

It doesn't work. You can trust me on that one.

Poor Glen.

I've seen the look on his face when he can tell that I 'disapprove' of his actions. It crushes him, especially because he doesn't place any of those expectations on me. He has always accepted my complexity and unpredictable feminine nuance.

What if OUR assignment wasn't to shove green smoothies down our men's throats, or wax lyrical about the benefits of meditation, but instead, remain true to ourselves, walk our talk, radiate what is important to us (rather than bloody talk about it all the time), and - here's the big one - practice loving our lovers unconditionally, and not despite of our differences, but because of them. Polarity is critical in a romantic relationship. Dating yourself? Boring.

I smile widely at Glen's meditation routine - which, I must say, is more consistent than my own. The irony! - not because he's doing something I always wished he would, but because he's found his own way to something which he believes he will we benefit from.


There are really only two fair choices we can make in a partnership:

1. To leave it.
2. To practice unconditional love, as best as we can, every day. (Even if we fail miserably... what's important is that we remain willing to give it another shot)

Deep peace comes from both of these decisions. A relationship which is lived waiting for each other to change is just far too painful. So often we think that we have much to teach those in our lives, when really, it's us who needs the lesson.

Ever inspired by my meditative man who, quite frankly, never gave a fuck about what I said about meditation.

Cheers to that,

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13 comments

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    • 23 October 2016

      Love this so much Tara! My hubby & I are chalk and cheese. He doesn't react well to me telling him he should eat better, drink more water etc so I don't do it. If it were the other way around and he tried telling me how to live he'd have a flurry of expletives thrown his way. But things start to come naturally. He's now in love with the oil diffuser and has started using oils around the house and I watch the F1 & go to all the museums etc he wants, because it's not forced!!

      ❤️❤️ Your attitude and way you're living is the best way you could possibly live. At the end of the day you're not one person but a partnership xoxo

      • 25 October 2016

        Isn't just SO magically alchemical?!

        Glen is always recruiting out there in his work life and suggesting that his chef mates get on the oils to help them with their energy, sleep and health. I still remember when my enrolment kit came and he was like: "Tara, what the fuck is this?"

    • LJ
      23 October 2016

      I love so much that you are back!! I've missed your words!

      • 25 October 2016

        I cannot even begin to explain to you how freaking GREAT it is to be back!

    • 23 October 2016

      This!!

      • 25 October 2016

        Glen continues to inspire, despite his constant protests! Haha

        (DON'T FILM ME ON SNAPCHAT TARA!)

    • 23 October 2016

      Seriously love this post Tara :) xx

      • 25 October 2016

        Hello, beautiful! So lovely to see your name here.

    • Isabel
      24 October 2016

      Exactly! My man doesn't seem spiritual at all. He's a man of no religion. He doesn't do yoga or meditate, nor do I ask him. When I show him my spiritual side, by telling him a story for example, he doesn't always agree. BUT, he does accept me as I am (he chose 'Into my arms' from Nick Cave as a song during our non religious wedding ceremony, because the text is so fitting for us...)! And he is really my greatest teacher! It took me a couple of years to see that. I sometimes joke that he has the kind of wisdom I need to read about 10 books for... Sometimes, I just need to OBSERVE him, how he lives his life so simple and mostly effortlessly. There is a reason why we ended up together. We have stuff to teach one another. Sometimes, I just have to have a little chat with him about something I freak out and he can break it down in no time and show me a whole different perspective. Live doesn't always need to be so complicated. X P.S.: Sooo glad to be reading you more often these days :-)

      • 25 October 2016

        *Exhale*

        So beautiful.

        I think so many of us get caught up in the 'idea' of what spirituality is. We wrap it's meaning around the ritual that suggests its reality. But man, spiritual isn't something that we become, it's something that we ARE. When we can sideline what Marianne Williamson would call our 'spiritual superiority' - we can see the light in ALL beings, not just those that chant and sit in circle and talk about their feelings.

        Aren't our men SO wise? It's so humbling.

        Thank you for being here, Issy. xo

    • 25 October 2016

      this is one of my favourite posts of yours to read sister. I don't even know why. Maybe because it made me laugh out loud while being so potent at once. x

      • 25 October 2016

        The perfect combo! :)

    • 1 November 2016

      Hahaha this has me laughing out loud, Tara! I LOVE this post. I had a moment of serious self-contemplation at the Pat Smith quote...going to take some of this away with me and perhaps change a few of my beliefs/approaches to my relationship.

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