It's weird. I feel uncomfortable. I feel full of doubt about this.
You will find another way, T. You always do. You adapt, you devote, you know how to find your feet.
Will I experience that degree of spirituality and synchronicity as I did then?
Do not attach to the symbol. When you cling, you cannot create. You are a spirit among spirits, living your dharma, and it suits you. You are supported and safe and protected, and you must keep going.
I sometimes feel like this message in me is insignificant.
That's nonsense. That is the human in you - feeling intensely what is only meant to be fleeting. You are beyond insignificance, beyond doubt. You are the vessel for the message, so how can it be insignificant?
Why am I journalling at 2am, instead of sleeping, resting, healing?
Why ask why? You are becoming sleepy. You will be resting soon enough.
I have forgotten about you, about this. These last few months up in my head, star-gazing, strategizing, studying. Meditation has been nothing but a to-do. I've forgotten the true potency of it. I've forgotten that meditation isn't about clocking minutes, it's about opening, surrendering, dissolving into each moment of the cosmos. I forgot to be present. I forgot to soften. To flow. To allow the freedom that's so natural. And so here I am. 2am, journalling. Remembering.
And here you are.
You can always re-enter the temple and meet yourself there. Remember, there. Integrate, there. You will not find answers elsewhere. You will find semi-truths. You will uncover myths and fall into the vacuum of seduction, but you will not realise absolute truth. The truth is the whispers from behind your chest cavity; in between and underneath your ribs. That is the place no book or audio or teacher or lesson can compete with. Useful, yes, but they are secondary. Secondary. You have opened quite a deal, but you are only just beginning. There is no need to feel as though you need to dig. Digging is effortful and unnecessary.
This world. This crazy world of everything and nothing. Always nudging, always hinting. The more I resist it, the more tired I become. Maybe, if I listened, if I drew upon my faith a little more, ease would wash over me with greater intensity. I'd feel even more supported, because surely there's no lid on the amount of love and support one can feel from the Divine. Surely I can choose to believe in that infinite space I belong to, came from, unfold out of. It is the journey I am on, the destination I already inhabit.
All these riddles, all this polarity. Forever keeping me on my toes. Keeping me nimble. Ensuring that I never outgrow the 'amateur.' The more I learn, the less I know.
Go to sleep now.