When he announced his desire for a morning meditation routine, it was music to my ears.
And as we sit there perched up in bed with Layla between us, sometimes I crack my eyes open to see him sitting so sweetly, focusing on his breath, his thumbs and index fingers in the most precious of mudras in his lap… it’s an absolute sight for sore eyes.
I’ve been so moved by his decision to do this, mostly because it had nothing to do with me.
Years ago when I was working on my Party Girls project, which quickly morphed into my book High, the community that I had gathered around my message were often asking questions such as:
‘How do I convince my partner to meditate?’
‘I feel like I’m growing so quickly, but my partner isn’t… what should I do?’
And, my (least) favourite: ‘My partner isn’t spiritual. Should I stay with him?’
In other words – ‘How can I change him from being inadequate, to being ‘enough’ for me?’
These conversations always left a sour taste in my mouth, because even though the same questions often kept me up at night, I had a hunch of something and it sounded like this:
Our challenge here is not to place expectations upon our lovers to change, to be different than what they are, or become clones of us. There is nothing spiritual about that in the slightest. If you bring your spiritual ego into the realm of relationship, it’ll destroy your love more quickly than his sleeping in and cold beer ever could.
I believe it was Pat Smith who once said: ‘Boys are physiologically designed to lose their erection around their mothers.’ That’s a pretty shocking way to say: Stop fucking telling your husband who to be, and how to live. It makes him limp.
It doesn’t work. You can trust me on that one.
I’ve seen the look on his face when he can tell that I ‘disapprove’ of his actions. It crushes him, especially because he doesn’t place any of those expectations on me. He has always accepted my complexity and unpredictable feminine nuance.
What if OUR assignment wasn’t to shove green smoothies down our men’s throats, or wax lyrical about the benefits of meditation, but instead, remain true to ourselves, walk our talk, radiate what is important to us (rather than bloody talk about it all the time), and – here’s the big one – practice loving our lovers unconditionally, and not despite of our differences, but because of them. Polarity is critical in a romantic relationship. Dating yourself? Boring.
I smile widely at Glen’s meditation routine – which, I must say, is more consistent than my own. The irony! – not because he’s doing something I always wished he would, but because he’s found his own way to something which he believes he will we benefit from.
There are really only two fair choices we can make in a partnership:
1. To leave it.
2. To practice unconditional love, as best as we can, every day. (Even if we fail miserably… what’s important is that we remain willing to give it another shot)
Deep peace comes from both of these decisions. A relationship which is lived waiting for each other to change is just far too painful. So often we think that we have much to teach those in our lives, when really, it’s us who needs the lesson.
Ever inspired by my meditative man who, quite frankly, never gave a fuck about what I said about meditation.
Cheers to that,