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What I Don’t Believe. What I Don’t Want.

what I dont

Once in a while, we feel a shift coming on. We’re unsure of what content that shift contains, but hey, that’s why words like ‘uncertainty’ and ‘variety’ and ‘spontaneity’ exist.

Nonetheless, we sense an underground gurgle of…. something rising up, or out.

Or perhaps it’s closing in on us from the horizon. Or chasing down our tail.

After the launch of High, I’ve been feeling that rumble. I still don’t know what it is, though I suspect it may be symbolic, archetypal. I don’t need to know. My journey for the last little while has been one of embracing surrender; a practice which has kept me sane and sustained and completely eclipsed with awe.

However, I do have a pattern when the shift is unravelling, and perhaps you share the same as me?

The burning desire to PURGE

my space,

my beliefs,

what I’m holding onto.

A persistent itch that beckons me to grab the old and get it out, out, out. (I write about this pretty extensively in my book, FYI)

Kim Anami (um, if you’re not following this woman, fix that) teaches that self-love and self-pleasure are a metaphor for ‘getting the house ready’ for a dinner party. Before we can love another, we must know how to navigate love for ourselves. Before we can expect someone to pleasure us, we must be willing and able to explore that type of sacred intimacy in and with our own skin…

I feel the same way about this rumble. Maybe, before I can fully surrender and receive the experience that’s coming, I need to get the house ready? Here’s the shape that Spring Cleaning My Soul takes.

What I Don’t Believe. What I Don’t Want.

I don’t believe that it’s okay or acceptable or right to let your fears run your life. It’s time to mature spiritually. Call your essence back, pull it back into your being, and get on with your life.

Sometimes, when I’m on the phone to Glen and there’s a slight break in speech, I fill up the emptiness with ‘I love you.’ I don’t want to do that. What am I trying to prove? This man knows I worship him. I don’t want to spoil the sweet silence which allows me to hear his breath from thousands of kilometres away. I don’t need to fracture that moment. Next time, I will feel how much I love him, and I will send it from my heart. I have no doubt he’ll feel it. 

I don’t believe we forgive each other (or ourselves) enough. Forgiveness isn’t reserved for violence, shaming, trauma…  Forgive the waitress for her terrible service, forgive yourself for judging yourself, forgive him for not understanding you. Forgiveness feels good.

I don’t want to have conversations that don’t matter anymore. I just don’t. Society would cast that statement as all kinds of boring, but my heart is hungry for meaning and I must insist that this is something I’m rather unapologetic about.

I don’t believe that the Universe ‘rewards’ me for being a ‘good girl.’ God does not have human-like consciousness – we need to let that idea go. Instead, I believe that I will see and receive experiences that align with the beliefs I’m plugged into. (Hint: if your beliefs aren’t serving you, switch ’em up!)

I don’t want to (ever) go a day without connecting to the sacred. No, that’s not a rigid, egoic, unsustainable goal I’m setting myself. It’s non-negotiable. As essential as oxygen and the sun’s warmth. Putting this time aside for my communion with Whatever That Is is the birthplace of my integrity.

I don’t believe that softness is always the best approach. Most of the time, sure, but sometimes, we need to be jolted! awake. Fierceness can, as it turns out, be the ultimate expression of tenderness.I have memories of being on the volleyball court, my teammates and I huddled around our coach during timeout. Each time I was pulled aside by an assistant coach and told, with a raised voice: ‘Tara! Wake up out there, pull your finger out and feed the right girl the ball!‘ I would nod in reception and knowingness and, quite frankly, return to the court kicking ass and taking names. Love comes in many shapes and forms. 

I don’t believe that ‘you’ve gotta see it to be believe it.’ Never have, never will. Let me declare right here that I perceive myself as more energy than matter. The formless comes first, always.

I don’t want to be so untidy. I really don’t. I’m taking it one day at a time. (Ha!)

I don’t believe that holding onto our stories makes us more worthy, or loveable, or needed. It makes us weak, literally. It makes us tired and resentful and totally fed up (the victim archetype will tend to drag you through those kinds of muds), and it ages us faster. There’s a  reason why those uncomfortable stories are included in my book – they were like pesky little monkeys clawing on my back and I wanted out from underneath them. (Don’t worry, it’s not lost on me that including them in a memoir wasn’t the only way to free myself of them.)    

I don’t want to betray my discernment. It’s becoming sharper, and I know what that sting of inner denial feels like. I don’t like it.

I don’t believe that we are who we seem to be; who we’ve always thought we are. Watch this space, I’m still unravelling this.  

I don’t want to be as impressionable as I am. Ouch. There, I said it.

I don’t think we hold space enough as a society. Like, just hold space, dude. A response isn’t always required. Nor is a solution, or a band-aid, sometimes, not even a hug. It takes courage to simply hold a container without becoming a sponge, but courage is a virtue.

tara bliss what I don't

Don’t be afraid to empty yourself.

When you rid your being of what’s superfluous and conditioned, you open yourself to live the life that was divinely designed for you; one that isn’t limited by the physicality and ideologies of our generation and the ones before us.

Empty it out.

Let GRACE fill you.

You will not suffer at the hand of God if you surrender.

You will (finally) feel held.

Oh Life. You and your outrageously perplexing paradoxes!

I wouldn’t have it any other way.

 

Over and out, sweet potatoes,

tara signature

 

 

 

PS: If you loved these words, do share!

PPS: Anything you need to empty? The comment section is a very fine and safe space to do just that. Your words will be witnessed with reverence. 🙂

TB_HighPromo_VidScreenPhotographer: Tahl Rinsky

21 Responses to What I Don’t Believe. What I Don’t Want.

  1. Katie November 24, 2014 at 3:17 pm #

    Hmmmm there are probably a number of things that could do with being purged but número uno is undoubtedly “the weight of expectation”. Sometimes it even manifests as guilt, which I truly believe is a bit of a useless emotion. Enough with the belly-deep shame, and the I’m-not-good-enoughs (or the I’m-not-doing-enoughs or the I-could-be-busier for that matter). No two people work the same, do the same, or have a right to judge others when it comes to putting in the hard work. Hard work doesn’t necessarily mean MORE work. Let’s focus on quality. Let’s focus on doing what needs to be done and being comfortable with the space left in between and without.

    Thanks for the prompt Tara, it was needed.

  2. Peta November 24, 2014 at 3:25 pm #

    Last night I sat for 20 minutes staring into my own eyes in the mirror, all I wanted was to be able to cry. To bawl.
    I need to empty, I have been surrounded by overwhelm for so long, that I no longer know what way is up.
    I woke up this morning to find my loving boy had purchased me the audiobook of ‘High’, and I sat and listened to the introduction with the knowledge that this is exactly what I needed.
    And apparently I also needed this blog post.
    Once again opening my eyes to just what I needed at exactly the right time, I am realising that I am holding onto so much unnecessary crap, that I have no room to simply hold space.
    I’m not entirely sure of how my journey is going to proceed, and I have a feeling it’s going to be messy and very teary, but hopefully it will lead me to find out who I am, underneath all of my own expectation.
    I don’t want to have conversations that don’t matter.
    I don’t want to deal with people who only make me feel worthless.
    I don’t want to smother my feelings in chocolate (under the guise of working it off later in the gym)
    I don’t want to ignore my feelings by shopping (because the high doesn’t last past the counter anyway)
    I don’t want to feel like I hate myself, my body, who I am.
    I want to feel like I am simply light, and love.
    I want to be free.
    And I want to find it all in the only possible place it can be hiding, in my own heart, my mind, and my soul.

  3. Mandi November 24, 2014 at 7:20 pm #

    What a beautiful post, Tara. There is so much that I want to empty out. I want to let go of being scared to trust myself, because dammit, I am a great person and I am doing great things, so I have a little sped bump in my way right now, but that’ll fix itself up if I just believe. So really I want to have more faith in myself, because I got this far and I can keep going.

  4. Jo November 24, 2014 at 8:42 pm #

    I just freakin love this post and your total honesty every time you write. With my 40th birthday fast approaching I am so aware right now of all the things I want to shed in order to enter this next stage of my life free of shame, old stories etc. It is not easy but every time I take another step forward and release something else I feel lighter, more alive and ready for something beautiful, whatever it may be x

    • NAT November 26, 2014 at 1:57 pm #

      So beautiful Jo, at 41 years, I can so relate to what you’re saying.

      • Jo December 2, 2014 at 9:18 pm #

        Thanks Nat, good to know there are others feeling the same 🙂

  5. Tessa November 25, 2014 at 3:24 am #

    I need to completely leave behind this relationship. I don’t want to go through another make-up, break-up, when I know how relieved I feel to be away from it.
    I want to stand on my own two feet, and feel at peace and comfortable with my decisions, knowing that I’m being guided by God and faithfully following my own heart.
    I don’t want to feel guilty for leaving this relationship and I don’t want to hurt this kind man who I can’t be with…

    Thank you for your words of goodness and clarity.

    • Leanne December 27, 2014 at 3:25 pm #

      Tessa,

      I am wishing you light and love as you work through this momentous time in your life.

      Much much love xx

  6. Amy Nelson November 25, 2014 at 3:23 pm #

    Your words. They melt right through me……. eeeeevery time.

    Thank you beautiful xx

  7. Lauren November 26, 2014 at 4:27 am #

    I so missed the way you string words together so magically. Your thoughts on softness as not the only way really made me think and holding space is so needed. Oh, & I discovered Kim a month or so ago – what a powerful (& pleasurable!) woman.

  8. kirsty November 26, 2014 at 9:16 am #

    ooohhh, loved this Tara as I had just been thinking last night what to let go of…. and what needs to be faced up to as its adding clutter to my life and actually stopping my ‘flow’
    citizenship papers, paperwork, fear of ‘lack’. Very timely thank you! x

  9. Becky November 26, 2014 at 11:33 am #

    Forgiveness is hard. I need to work on that so much! Love this article… Thank you!

  10. Liz November 26, 2014 at 12:37 pm #

    Tara, your book has been a blessing which has fallen into my lap and honestly I thought nooone else felt the way you described, so SO much love for you and your work.

    Ok so in the spirit of letting go….
    I want to stop drinking alcohol to cover up uncomfortable feelings & anxiety.
    I want to stop finding excuses to not exercise and take care of this temple which is my body.
    I want to stop listening to Diana the divider (name for my ego) who tells me I am not enough, I am not loved.
    I want to stop being so cautious in relationships, and dive in heart first, head deep.
    I want to stop bitching and complaining especially at work.
    I want to stop being inauthentic and have the courage to speak my truth.
    I want to stop being so needy and be comfortable in a space of trust and surrender.
    Powerful words… both yours and mine,
    Great respect xoxoxo

  11. Lisa November 26, 2014 at 4:49 pm #

    I don’t want to make a five-year plan. I don’t want my life to be a to-do-list. I don’t want to do, do, do all the time. I don’t want to struggle. I don’t want to have any more hangovers. I don’t want to doubt my self. I want to trust. I want time to just be. I want to attend to my soul. I want life to flow free. I want to feel alive. I want to write. I want to help maje the wirld a better place. I want peace.

  12. Lauren November 26, 2014 at 10:14 pm #

    Fuck yes Tara. Fuck. YES.

    Beautifully written. Raw. Honest. Guided. Love it.

    X

  13. Phoebe Hook (Soulful Warrior) November 26, 2014 at 10:58 pm #

    This is worth more thought than I can give in a comment. Thanks for the spark Tara.

  14. Sarah Somewhere November 30, 2014 at 7:30 am #

    Hi Tara! Guess what? I just discovered you through your book on Amazon! I was cruising some samples on self/development spirituality and yours came up under ‘Recommended titles.’ The cover and Title grabbed me right away and I devoured the sample. Followed your instagram handle to your wonderful site and am now transfixed by everything you have going on.

    I applaud you for your message and the grace and style with which you deliver it. I have bought the book and it is so well written. I relate (too much!) to your message as a recovering party girl. I just celebrated five years sober from alcohol and drugs and have been focusing on creating a purposeful, fulfilling life from the inside out. I recently discovered Kundalini yoga and practiced with your video this morning.

    So I just wanted to touch base, connect and send you lots of love on your exciting journey. I am currently writing my first book and your example of showing up in the world as your truest, most authentic self is beyond inspiring. Plus, I think your message is absolutely vital to Australian society (and beyond) and I will spread the word as much as I can. I think it’s going to be huge. Sat Nam xxx

  15. Shawna December 2, 2014 at 3:37 am #

    Oh beautiful sweet Tara – You always hit me right in the gut with your divine and profound words 🙂 I’m so one of these people – the kind who goes through these cycles of needing to purge of ‘everything’ at times… it’s scary how fast it comes on when it does and how overwhelming it can feel if I ignore it for too long. I’m the type of person who is very impacted by my space, so cleaning up and clearing out make SO much of a difference, I forget just how important this art of purging really is. As we enter the last month of this year I’m stepping back from my personal blog, social media, and really limiting the blogs I read and the rabbit trails my curiousity often leads me down. I can get so heady sometimes and struggling with feeling grounded because, like you mentioned, I all to quickly let go of the beautiful, nourishing habits that serve me, that renew my spirit, and that give me energy and inspiration for going forward. They take more intention, more space holding, so it’s easy to throw them away… only then I find myself spinning and wondering what went wrong when… oh yeah… I realize just what the problem is – I’m not caring for myself like i should be.

    So, off I go into a month ‘away’ – I’m so excited to focus on being fully ‘present’ in the moment, indulging in rest, diving full on into the holiday’s with friends and family, and to find a renewed energy for the year ahead and all that I have in mind for it. It’s a bit scary just how much I have riding on my hopes and plans for the year ahead – but it feels so deeply necessary that the shift is made into that forward momentum, the healing and restoration, the simplifying, and the full-tilt efforts into bringing our dreams into manifestation.

    I’m so scared out of my every lovin’ mind at backing away from the things I mindlessly go back to – Facebook, umpteen blogs, book after book after book… I love knowledge, and considering new ways of thinking – I’m in this glorious stage of reevaluating my beliefs, and everything that goes with that, but I’m very suseptable to getting lost in the whirlwind of heady thinking and neglect doing what’s necessary to hold my ground, to keep my center.

    So – I’m nervously excited in anticipation of cleaning up and clearing out through our whole house, about organizing what remains – making sure it serves us, rather than drains us, automating and simplifying what I can to make it all easier to maintain and opening up the energy we have to focus on what’s really important. It’s time I boil things down to what really matters – there are a handful (oh, maybe two) of blogs I LOVE (ahem… like YOURS) that I can’t possibly stop reading, but I want to be more intentional with those – to follow loyally, to respond in comments and such, and to take that back and really think on what is moved within me in response. I’ve signed up for far too many courses over the last few months, and still haven’t completed them (oops), so I want to take it slow and really suck the marrow out of each and every one, same with the books I’ve found.

    Anyway, thank you so much for sharing your heart with us, and for giving that much needed push to really step back and think about what matters, where it might be time to rethink things, and how we can take pause and really give back to ourselves too. LOVE all that you do friend 😉

    Shawna
    http://www.shawnaathome.com

  16. brigitta dau December 7, 2014 at 9:45 am #

    Hey Beautiful!

    First, let me say I LOVE your book and I’m both reading and listening to it…without a glass of wine in my hand by the way!

    emptying out…how about letting go of the pitty party I still hold for myself for my “circumstances” (Dad’s death, Mom’s dementia). Boo friggin’ boo. The fact is, I’ve been “jolted” as you said, into being a grown up and if I were to be totally honest, it’s really not that bad. In fact, I think its better.

    I’m gong to jounal about this though…I like ending the year with this…start with an empty bowl, clean slate, etc for the new year.
    luv you lady!
    xo
    b!

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