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How to Coach Yourself Into Making A BIG Decision

TARA_C (60 of 150)

Wobbly knees.

A belly fraught with butterflies.

What if. What if. What if…?

You know that voice.

All signs that something has triggered you, and from where I stand, what triggers you deserves your attention, your curiosity, a little of your bandwidth.

That’s what happened to me when I mulled over the idea of leaving Facebook.

At first, I was greeted with nothin’ but F R E E D O M in my body.

Next, came the nerves, the apprehension, the flat out fear.

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How do we coach ourselves through the big stuff?

Write a letter to yourself in the future as though you’ve already made the decision and reaped the rewards.

I did this, on the plane, coming back from Melbourne, after I decided I would indefinitely leave Crackbook.

And here’s (exactly) how it reads:

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Dear Future Me,

I’m so proud of you, you know? You’ve made some mega things happen lately. More importantly though, you’ve eased way, way back, which I know isn’t too easy for you (ironically). That takes courage, Bliss. Well done.

I held my breath a little when you deactivated your Facebook account. Part of me was thinking ‘what the hell is she doing?! – the other part of me wanted to cry sweet tears of freedom.

That one decision has had huge, beautiful consequences. Your creativity and productivity have blossomed. You write more letters. You have more meaningful conversations. You’ve expanded your vocabulary (less time toggling Facebook means more time for exploring this English language which you so adore). You are more excited to write. Truly. You’re writing more for yourself, giving yourself the gift of a creative process that transcends blog posts and book chapters and social media status updates.

You have greater visionary bandwidth, which allows you more clarity and an extended understanding of how and what to delegate, and when.

You spend more time outside, in the ocean, walking around the headland.

Your life is leaner, gentler (than ever).

You’re having mind-bending sex.

You have the room and the time and the energy and the inclination to stop and smell the freaking flowers on occasion.

You launched your book, High, distraction-free.

Look, I happen to know this is a choice you’ve felt fear around.

You’ve wrangled with the prickle of scarcity.

But in still moments, you peered through those insecurities, through the illusion… and that choice is one of the best that you’ve made in a long while. It will continue to pay dividends in a way that will nourish and sustain you, for reals.

I’m proud of the way you continue to serve and honour your readers and clients. You’re always looking for new and creative ways to reach those that are on the lookout for your message… ways that extend beyond Facebook.

So, thanks a bunch, Future Me.

You give me the courage and the confidence to march forward with my heart leading the way.

You remind me of what’s most important in life, always.

All love,

27 year old Tara

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First thing’s first: with total gratitude, let it be declared that yes, all of those big little somethings came true. Time and space expanded, I was able to bring more presence to my creativity – including my book launch – and yes, the sex, too. (I know that’s what you were thinking, come on!)

Why, then, have I made the decision to return – albeit very softly – to Facebook?

Well, that’s a very good question, and I’ll keep my response brief as possible.

1. There are a few powerful online communities that I’m a part of – a couple of which I nurture and hold space for, and a small handful of which I would like to lean into for support. One of them being my local kundalini yoga community, another being Ezzie Spencer’s Lunar Abundance Salon. The sisters I wrote with in Bali have an online space together, so do those of us who have worked with Belinda Davidson. I’ve missed these women.

I’ve left all groups that I don’t believe serve me for where I’m at in my journey right now. Trimming the fat is important.

2. My dream is to be a traditionally published author one day. I know that it’s not only possible, but highly probable, and I’m acutely aware of what publishing houses look for. I wish there were a more poetic way of saying this, but I’m afraid there’s not: they look for numbers. Specifically, social media numbers. They want to know that a vehicle exists to drive the book that they’ve just printed.

Does this mean I’m going to be out headhunting new followers and promo-ing the shite out of myself? Absolutely not. It’s business as usual, around here. Organic growth, as usual. Strolling along, welcoming anyone who happens to land here and press ‘Like’, as usual. So that’s that. I want to be published. And I want to improve my chances of that happening.

Dozens of times over I have heard, Oh yay! You’re coming back to Facebook! and while that’s lovely, and appreciated, and very, very sweet, that hasn’t really contributed to my decision at all.

Six months ago, it may well have been a different story.

But with growth and enquiry, comes a realisation that making a commitment as a way to seek out validation and praise is futile. Positive feedback and tribal enthusiasm can’t be the only reason that you offer a yes to a request. It has to feel right and for the right reasons. And for the right reasons, I’m…

3… ready to serve you more than ever.

Four months off Facebook, and I love the shape of my life now. Everything has been prioritised in a way that means something to me. I don’t want to lose that. These four months have been, quite honestly, fucking wonderful.
What’s changed?

Facebook and I are going to be kicking it a little differently now that we’re reunited.

I’ll be using the Hootsuite app to post my updates (most of which will be live and in the moment), and I’ll do a Facebook sweep only once or twice a week. Meaning, essentially, that I can contribute to Facebook without being on it, and when I am on it, I’m there with purpose.

Check notifications. Respond to communication. In. Out. Boom. No scrolling.

And, to be frank, that’s all I’m going to say on the topic. I left Facebook because I was sick of talking about it, sick of looking at it, sick of reaching for it. Now that I’m back I want to keep the way I interact with it clean and crisp and quiet. Healthy. Helpful. Here for you.

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Remember to think with the end in mind. Often, I find that writing these letters to a future version of myself takes the size out of an issue which I perceive to be much bigger than it is.

Also, this isn’t just a useful tool for the tough stuff. On New Year’s Eve, I wrote a letter to 2015 as if I were one year into the future.

Thank you for…

It really blew my mind when you…

I can still barely believe that…

You get the idea.

Coach yourself into making a big decision by channeling yourself on the other side of it.

Your Future Self is out there rocking on with her fine self, and she’s got more than a little strength to offer you. What do you need to reach out and tell her?

For example: Wow, I’m so stoked you forgave such and such.

Or: I’m not sure how you managed to land that job, but lady, bravo!

All bliss,

Tara

PS: I’d love to hear from you in the comments… is there anything you to thank or celebrate in your future self?

PPS: If this post resonated, do share using one of the buttons below. You can find my Facebook page right here.

PPPS: You’re allowed to change your mind, too. (I think that should be my new tagline!)

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24 Responses to How to Coach Yourself Into Making A BIG Decision

  1. Stacy January 20, 2015 at 8:21 am #

    Hey Tara,

    I get this a lot. I recently made the decision to finally go get my yoga teaching certification. It was a scary jump for me. I nearly let my fears stop me, but I thought about how important it truly was to my heart and soul and I realized that my fears weren’t real at all. It was just my ego playing tricks with my mind.

    I love the idea of writing a letter to your future self. I think it’s a beautiful way to see what really matters and what really doesn’t. In my family, we all like to say “Will it matter in 5 years?” if we get upset, angry, or scared.

    And, yes! It is okay to change your mind, but it’s important to honor how you feel in the moment and give yourself permission to follow your intuition.

    Let me know when you get a facebook page and we can connect 🙂

    Have a great day, Tara! xo

  2. Michele January 20, 2015 at 9:46 am #

    what a beautiful and honest post. You have grown in such a graceful way I can’t wait to see what unfolds. You seriously glow! Through your writing and in person. Big decisions take courage and to embrace the fear and I guess that’s where I personally find strength in your posts to guide me along. Gently. With no bullshit. Love that you have found a way to make facebook work for you and not be its slave. It’s something any social media user who spends time on it should evaluate. I’m not there yet but this is also why I love social media. Without it I wouldn’t have the support and knowledge I do now. So many souls I would never have crossed paths with ( even if it was for 5 minutes) have opened my hearts and my mind. So finally after 38 bleeping years to finally believe in me and rid my self of the toxic friends who want to see me fail. It’s freedom. The funny thing that’s happened is since I let go the most wonderful things have been happening. I thought gee I’ve wasted all this time but I wouldn’t be the person I am right now if it wasn’t for all these little speed humps. The last 7 months have been a whirlwind of change and you my lovely lady have been a part of that. So hats off to you today. As you are back to influence fellow sisters and make this world a better place. Love your work and you!

  3. Amy Landry January 20, 2015 at 9:46 am #

    Welcome back to the FB hood Tara… sounds like a fresh new beginning, with a lot of clarity and intelligence!

    You should know..

    Your committed disappearance from FB was part of the inspiration and catalyst in removing around 3000 digital friends from my personal account, and lighten my load in numerous other ways!.. I created a dummy account to access my biz page, without having to be on my regular account all the time. I’ve removed groups (more of that to come shortly), and I’ve turned off ALL notifications on all devices.

    It all feels great. There is still some more stripping of layers to come, but it’s all feeling RIGHT.

    These changes inspired a lot of ‘cleaning house’ in my email accounts, and setting new boundaries in communication (more of this to come too).

    Love what you’re doing and sharing. Keep it up. Love your work! X

  4. Alana January 20, 2015 at 10:09 am #

    What a beautiful, considered decision and post. Thank you for sharing!

  5. Sandra January 20, 2015 at 10:14 am #

    Welcome back!

    I absolutely loved this post! The last few weeks I’ve been feeling way to suffocated and… robbed… by Facebook. I’ve been in the same predicament where I still wanted to keep my page open and post things on there as well as check in with some the awesome groups that I’m part of but the effing SCROLLING! Omg.

    As for Hootsuite – I had no idea this even existed – I’ll be downloading this today and scaling waaaay back on my personal facebook usage.

    Thank you for the wise words and inspiration Tara (as always)!!

    xx

    PS – currently laughing at the fact that I found this post through facebook!!

  6. Ezzie Spencer January 20, 2015 at 10:34 am #

    Sweet Tara, just loved this post- honest, inspiring, practical reflections.

    Much love to you

    Ezzie

  7. Rach // in spaces between January 20, 2015 at 11:49 am #

    Welcome back to FB-land, my love. Xo

  8. Shan ::: Prana Parenting January 20, 2015 at 12:02 pm #

    LOVED this. Your writing is absolutely beautiful.

  9. Katie - Conquering Fear Spiritually January 20, 2015 at 3:27 pm #

    Welcome back beautiful. You’ve got to love those soul-centering boundaries- ironically, they’re the very things that keeps us free and expansive- xx

  10. Ashley January 20, 2015 at 6:13 pm #

    YOU ARE FREAKIN’ AMAZING. and brave. and soulful. and as always, an inspiration. I also took a big ol’ break from Facebook last year and it was glorious but it seems I have become…gasp…entranced yet again. Glad to have this nice little reminder that life goes on (and hey, it way more magical) away from the screen.

    You are lovely. Thank you for always sharing your words!

  11. Belinda Davidson January 20, 2015 at 6:25 pm #

    Welcome back to FB! You were missed in the Level 2 SoMM group. xo

  12. Clare January 21, 2015 at 9:00 am #

    Good on you for returning to FB on your terms! I’m grateful for & celebrating becoming a published Author too!!! Great post Tara, thank you! Xx

  13. Naomi | Project Healthy Happy Me January 21, 2015 at 10:00 am #

    Thanks for sharing Tara. I am selfishly happy to see that you are back – I look forward to reading what you post on Facebook and in the fabulous groups where I see you offer wisdom and inspiration.

  14. Hayley Carr January 21, 2015 at 2:01 pm #

    Proud of you sister! I have a resource for you – if you are using facey on Chrome, there is a plugin called Facebook New Feed Eradicator.

    Instead of seeing your facebook news feed, you see a quote. Today’s is,

    “Inaction will cause a man to sink into the slough of despond and vanish without a trace.”

    ~ Farley Mowat

    Everyday it’s different, and it has made a huge difference to my distraction levels. When I think of someone, I call them, or text them, or I search for them in my facebook and see what they are up to. It’s not forced on me. I like it.

    Welcome back Baby! Better than ever.

  15. Nic - A Spectacular Life January 21, 2015 at 8:51 pm #

    I so adore that you’ve stated your terms of returning loud and clear.
    So often we get caught up in others and it can be draining.
    The connections that you have on Facebook can be so worthwhile and inspiring, you can just focus on that rather than all the other bullshit.
    ‘Trimming the fat’. Exactly.
    Love it babe.

  16. Amanda January 22, 2015 at 12:56 am #

    Hi Tara,

    I love this. I love that you made such a brave and courageous decision. It’s funny when you really think about it. Using words like brave and courageous in regards to leaving a social media outlet but it’s true because when I think about leaving I am filled with lots of ‘what-ifs.’ And it’s brave and courageous to return on your own terms. In your own way. I will look forward to seeing this new way unfold. Love to you.

    Amanda

  17. Megan January 22, 2015 at 10:03 am #

    I couldn’t possibly love this more T. There is something so powerful in writing about, and declaring, something that is yet to happen. And to be done with such grace and heart as you have done in this letter is, well, pretty fucking special.
    Thank you so much for sharing this one babe, it’s delicious!

    And Crackbook! Haha, nice one. 😉 Xx

  18. Nicola Murrin January 22, 2015 at 10:43 am #

    Love your idea of writing a letter as your future self.

    I’m so happy your back on FB, not because your back but because you are coming back for the reasons that feel right to you. I love how you’ve committed to a changed relationship with FB. After all it doesn’t have to be all or nothing does it?- a conclusion I’m often prone to jump to myself. This is such a beautiful example of listening to your intuition and following your inner guidance. Keep up the good work babe x x

  19. Cynthia January 23, 2015 at 1:45 pm #

    Oh Tara Bliss.
    I gotta say, I had a near meltdown over FB a few weeks ago. My page and followers are all so awesomely connected and I seriously love touching base with them on this platform. When all the ‘rules’ changed I was just about ready to chuck in the towel and hit deactivate. After some loving guidance and perspective from Rach + the blog hearted tribe (some of whom are experiencing the same feelings) I realised that connection is why we do this.

    I’m dwindling my FB use down, posting only when the spirit moves me, and pouring the rest of that delicious energy I have into my own writing, reading and refining the art of the written word.

    There’s a quote I read at the beginning of your book, it resonated with me so much I immediately reached for a big sticky note, wrote it out and stuck it on my computer – front and centre: ”People absorb and implement advice best when it’s delivered through story, rather than statistic”.

    Although a useful platform, social media does make me conscious of numbers, stats and followers. It does come back to me and the ‘why’ behind my online presence, but for now here’s to more logging off, putting pen to paper and really getting caught up in telling our stories.
    For reals.

    You’re a super-charged inspiration, thank you Bliss.
    C.x

  20. Em January 25, 2015 at 1:23 pm #

    Wow, I want to say that you are so brave for quitting facebook but its not the right word. Empowered might be a better one, i’m not sure though, i’ll ponder that a bit longer. I have also wanted to just shut myself off from facebook for so long but I just get too scared to actually do it. I have friends on there that I have met over the years that I have no other contact with but I like that they are just there and I can see what they are up to and if I want to contact them I can just send a message. They are the ones I don’t want to leave for. But so much of the other crap on that feed that I regularly waste hours scrolling through needs to be out of my life. So I think with that in mind i’m going to start small and delete the app off my phone. Then at least I can jump on to my mac once a week and have a look whats going on and if there is anything of importance I can respond. or I can search for those friends I want to catch up with rather than scrolling through all the othre time wasting rubbish. Thanks Tara, I feel better already 🙂
    Em xx

  21. Alex @ True Femme January 26, 2015 at 7:02 am #

    I’m happy for you that you are able to re-formulate your relationship with Facebook and that you took some time off from it. I personally feel like a bit of an odd duck because I deactivated my account about 5 years ago and I’ve never looked back. In my 5 years off Facebook, I’ve found that I have fewer friends, but higher quality ones. I know that may very well not be the case for many people, and I know lots of folks who make great friends online and they are true and beautiful friendships. For me, I find I need a lot of my life to be offline. I’m sure my blog would have more followers and “better” stats if I had a Facebook presence, but I’m so much happier without that particular form of social media in my life. I think it’s different for everyone, but this is how things work best for me. I really do appreciate how you are setting boundaries with Facebook, not that it’s my position to judge what’s best for you but I just admire people who set boundaries with anything in the first place! I do hope you become “traditionally” published and that 2015 is a lovely year for you!

  22. Emily February 2, 2015 at 11:36 am #

    Hi Miss Tara,

    Wow – great post. I found it through Googling ‘Tara Bliss Facebook’. Although I don’t follow you closely girl (but see what great work you do + great work with le booook!) I heard some time ago you weren’t on Facebook. And it stuck with me – inspiring me to thinking I could Give my Gifts of Love – Aka My Work without the social media values (and yes there are positive ones as you know) from Facebook for example. A couple months ago I made the switch to switch off and ignite my life – and finally my website and my life has just wow – all of what you have said – all the same. So I won’t explain myself again. Anywho…. just at the point of launching my website (at the new moon in a few weeks) and I’m thinking… geez, Facebook would be grand to share with my dear friends and new women of the world who I NEED to gather together, to upscale our lives through conscious lifestyle creation (think holistic health + lifestyle for ourselves, each other AND the planet). Anywho….the overwhelm with Facebook again literally gave me a headache thinking about it for the last hour or so (geez even waisting time THINKING about Facebook!) and hence le google of you and were you were at with it. Before even reading, I thought – you know what – need to navigate and coach myself (bizarre exactly like you) to have set time limits on Facebook – once or twice a week (just as you said) and guess what, even actually let the world know that (I’ll say it in the details). I’m here to inspire others to LIVE AS THE CHANGE they wish to see – and not let Facebook and this bizzar self-pressured need to respond to everything as immediately as others request (and actually, only in response to the energy WE {aka I} put out there!). I’ll have in in my header, that I check it This time and that time – these times during the week otherwise catch me on my email. So just a thanks and wee hooo to living as the change, and taking back the reigns of our lives (in the very small ways like Facebook to the big ways like cocktails & cockain, we’ve both been through). Good on ya girl. Rock on, socks off. Xoxo Emily (emilyember.org)

  23. Shae February 27, 2015 at 11:05 pm #

    Tara, I loved reading this.You really are a beautiful writer. Shae xo

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